It was a cold December evening
Alan took his dog walking
He took him down the local boozer
cos they let dogs in

Now Alan only had a couple of pints
but when he got home he was in for a shock
There in his driveway a very strange object,
he could see it through the freeing winter’s fog

It was about the size of a car
but Alan didn’t own a car
It was metallic and silver and gold
and Alan thought that it looked very old

It was a time machine
Alan found a time machine
a mother fucking time machine
Alan found a time machine … on Christmas eve

Alan found a time machine on Christmas eve
and he flew around the world in just one night
He saw ancient Egyptians
and he saw Victorians
and he saw something he didn’t think was right

Because the one thing he learned about Christmas,
Is that it’s how much money you spend -
it’s about spending time with family and friends
and time machines

Alan went back to a Victorian Christmas eve
To see if they had a better time
Was it more simple, more fun and less commercial -
with families singing Christmas rhymes?

He went back to dinosaurs
to see if they celebrate Christmas
he went back to prehistoric times
He saw a triceratops being kind to a stegosaurus
they didn’t have Christmas
but the message it was right

Alan found a time machine on Christmas eve...

Now Alan was alone,
on Christmas eve nowhere to go
dog and drink his only friends
and that would be where our story ends

…if it wasn’t for the time machine
sitting in Alan’s driveway
which we thought would play
a very important part in the story sometime

Oh, and I forgot to mention;
Alan’s wife left him last year
and he’d very much like to get back with her
if only there were some way of going back
and make things better,
back in time…

So Alan jumped into the time machine
went to a party on Christmas eve
it was exactly one year ago
Now he’s back with his wife
and they kiss under the mistletoe

Alan found a time machine on Christmas eve...

Because the one thing he learned about Christmas,
is it’s not how much money you spend -
It’s about spending time with family and friends,
being the best person that you can,
helping our your fellow man,
being kind to all your neighbours,
getting pissed and having a good time in the end

…and time machines